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I did not have a good night sleep. Lots of tossing, turning and coughing(stupid chest cold). I finally gave up at 5:30. I flicked through email and facebook on my iPhone but decided if I was up I’d might as well get in a workout. With the chest cold I wasn’t up for a run but figured I would do some strength training in the basement. As I mentioned, I had my iPhone which apparently in an otherwise dark room reflects nicely off the bedroom door, providing the illusion that it is open. Yes, I walked into the door, which was actually partially open, slamming it closed and knocking me on my backside. The slamming door woke up Melissa and Joshua. I tried to convince Joshua that it wasn’t morning yet. He was not convinced and was loud enough in his disagreement to wake up Elijah. Both kids are up and clearly still tired. Of course I have to go to work, so I won’t be the one dealing with the results of my klutziness. Sorry Honey!

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Josh – Who is that stading on the moon (looking at a picture above my desk)
Me – Edwin Aldrin
Josh- How did they get there
Me- A rocket ship
Josh – OH
Josh- Can I go to the moon
Me- Maybe some day

Josh – Where Megan lives ( A friend of Melissa who visited last weekend)
Me – Vermont
Josh -How did she get here
Me – An Airplane and a taxi
Josh – No Just a taxi
Me – Both. She took a Airplane to DC and a Taxi to our house
Josh – OH

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Elijah’s first shopping cart ride.

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I am not ready for this. Melissa, she is ready. Josh, he is ready. I am sure even Elijah is ready for the more one on one time he will get with Mommy once Josh starts preschool (though Eli obviously has no idea). I am not ready, not even close. I know I fall slightly on the overprotective side of the parenting fence, but that is really only part of the issue. Sure I have thought about randomly swinging by the school to make sure the doors are locked. And I hate that we live in a world were a synagogue/preschool feels the need to line the border of the property with “decorative” boulders. But much of my trepidation isn’t really about security. It is a good school, we checked it out thoroughly and have many neighbors/friends with kids there. What I think really bothers me most is just how fast time is moving.

I decided to not work through lunch today. I took some time to read some blogs and write this post. One of the blogs I read belongs to my friend Jodi. Her current (at least at the time of this draft – she is a far more prolific writer then I) blog post has a picture of her little boy when he was an infant. Her next post down shows him just the other day. The difference was startlingly. I haven’t asked her, but I would be shocked if she said that time has done anything but flown by. After I read her post, I browsed though some of my favorite pictures of the kids on my iPhone. I can’t believe how much Josh has changed over the course of his 2 1/2 years and Elijah over his 7 months. Every day I come home from work to find one or both of them have learned some new thing or have done something for the very first time.

I enjoy my job; I work for a good company and the reality is I can’t be there the way I would like. But I do feel like a missing so much. It makes these milestones bittersweet, but I supposed that is the taste of life.

Originally published at Corey J Feldman. Please leave any comments there.

I have the privilege of knowing some incredible people, people who had the misfortune of being victims of child abuse. They took their very personal horrors and used it to fashion unimaginable internal strength. They have become incredible parents, teachers, counselors and productive members of society. I am inspired and awed that such good came out of such pain.

Here is where I am going to over share. Well, I don’t think of it as over sharing, some might, but I don’t and it is my life so WTF. I have nothing to be embarrassed about and I think it will do me some good to get this out there. As a child I was exposed to an abusive extended family member. I am not going to name names, but anyone who knows my family can probably take an educated guess. If anyone wants to know who, I will be happy to share offline. For the record, the type of abuse I was exposed to was mostly emotional. I also don’t want to suggest that a handful of incidents can in anyway compare the horrors faced by those exposed to chronic and pervasive abuse. But I have recently come to realize what a lifelong impact that even these comparatively minor incidents have had on my life.

Today I am going to share one such incident. When I was a child I was at my grandparents who lived in a high rise in North Bethesda. Interestingly enough the same high rise I bought my first condo in. This “relative”, not my Grandfather (not that he was model parental figure either) thought it would be funny to hang me from the 10th story balcony. He swung me back and forth, and then he actually threw me up in the air, fortunately catching me.

It was shortly after this I started climbing things – trees, poles, houses, etc. I realize now I was attempting to get back control he took from me. I would decide how high I climbed and the higher the better. I was never going to allow myself to be afraid like that again. By the time I was 10 years old, I was doing cartwheels and handstands on railings and rooftop edges. I have no doubt that much if not all of my often reckless thrill-seeking behaviors stemmed from this one event.

For a long time I held on to more anger from the incident that I care to admit. I do however wonder, who would I be today had that not occurred. I am likely a better parent then I might otherwise have been, but I am sure I could/would have developed those same protective skills – your a parent, your job is to keep your children safe.

Originally published at Corey J Feldman. Please leave any comments there.

I was tagged and completed one of those “25 random things about me” and true to #25 I decided to repost to my blog.

1. Someday I will finish and publish a novel.

2. I have finished many shorts stories over the years and have never attempted to have any of them published.

3. I have an irrational fear of birds.

4. That said very few things in this world truly frighten me. I have driven a buck twenty bumper to bumper on a tortuous road, gone bungee jumping, cliff diving, skydiving and countless other youthful indiscretions.

5. And that said I have been terrified on a couple of occasions. The first was a month before Josh was born and we were driving to Holly Cross to do a tour of the maternity ward. We were stopped in traffic on 495 near magical kingdom AKA the Mormon Temple. Melissa stated screaming as a SVU plowed into us at highway speeds. The accident put her into early labor and it was hours before they were able to stop the labor and give us any assurance that she and the baby would be OK. The second time in recent memory was when I held my son for the first time.

6. Even though I am pro-science and highly critical of religious dogma, I am surprisingly religious. I have never doubted in G-d, only humanity’s ability to understand.

7. Most of my life I preferred to read what Academics call literature and now I prefer speculative fiction. I can even admit to truly loving some urban/dark fantasy that could just as easily be housed in the romance isle.

8. I am a terrible insomniac and Lunesta has changed my life.

9. I have been contemplating giving up meat on moral grounds but am not sure I have the will power to make it happen.

10. I’m a Mac, and a PC and a LINUX

11. As a kid I used to take things apart to to figure out how they worked, I still do.

12. I used to build PCs before it was considered easy.

12. I am very mechanically inclined but have never changed my own oil, mostly because I don’t like getting dirty.

13. I love to garden. I know that sounds contradictory but I don’t mind dirt dirt. It is the greasy and/or sticky things I don’t love.

14. I have studied Christianity more in depth than Judaism.

15. I hated being Jewish as a child but happily identify with Judaism as an adult.

16. My favorite game is Gin provided I am playing with my wife. She is a knocker!

17. My mind works best when I am multitasking.

18. I can listen to an audio book or watch TV while reading and follow both. I know this makes me a little odd but I was a multitasker before modern communication necessitated it.

19. My wife never ceases to amaze me.

20. On any given day Lifeguarding was my favorite job. Bar-tending was the most fun, and Teaching the most rewarding.

21. Even though I don’t LOVE it I am very good at HR an assume I will keep doing it forever unless I do #1 more than once and really really really well.

22. I am terrible with names.

23. Having a child (soon to be children) has changed my life in unbelievable and indescribable ways.

24. Yes I do get asked about the other Corey Feldman all to often and how funny is it that my best friend’s name is Tony Orlando.

25. Most of my life I have shared easily but with few. With Social media (blogging, facebook, twitter) I now share with many but no longer with ease.

Originally published at Corey J Feldman. Please leave any comments there.

Yesterday we took Joshua on a quick day trip to the Baltimore Harbor.  From our house it is a about a 45 minute trip, an hour if you miss the exit to 95.  The gods of weather smiled kindly on us.  When we first arrived it was beautiful and sunny so we took Joshua out on his first paddle boat ride.  We had to fudge his age by 6 months, but he’s a big kid and managed to pass for two.  We ended up picking a gianormous dragon shaped paddle boat.  Next time we are going for smaller and/or electric.  We all had a blast but Melissa and I were exhausted by the time we done.  After working up an appetite we decide to grab some lunch a Cheesecake Factory.   In general I am not a big fan of chain restaurants, but typically Cheesecake is pretty passable.  Not so much this time.  It wasn’t particularly bad, but wasn’t good either.  Service was fine, Cheesecake rarely fails in that area, but wait times were very long which is never fun with a toddler.  Back to the weather gods, it poured while we ate, by the time we finished it was dry and cool enough for a leisurely strolled to the kids museum, Port Discovery. 

Port Discovery was a blast.  Honestly Joshua was a little too young for most of the exhibits, but there was still plenty for him to do.  He loved to water works and the wooden train.  The place is pretty impressive; I am looking forward to going back when he is a little older.  Apparently our good weather karma continued as it poured while were in the Museum but once again cleared up for our walk back to the car and drive home.   Photos are on my Flickr & facebook pages, along with our Saturday hike at Great Falls. 

Originally published at Corey J Feldman. Please leave any comments there.

Melissa and I, well mostly Melissa, had our sonogram last week.  There was a beautiful heartbeat and everything appears to be on track for baby number two come February.   I’m really glad we are settled into our new place. The desire for baby number two was one of our primary motivations for moving in the first place and we found such a wonderful neighborhood.  I always wanted children, but the actual experience is so far above my expectations that I truly don’t have the words to describe.  In some ways I think I am more excited this time around.  Well that isn’t actually fair to say.  It is a very different experience on multiple levels.   Since we have been through this before, the fear factor is kept in check.  I am doing a much better job of finding a work/life balance and I am really just more present on so many levels that I can’t get into without completely over sharing.  Suffice it to say, I am in a much better place emotionally then I have been in sometime. 

Originally published at Corey J Feldman. Please leave any comments there.

Had a wonderful weekend.  I didn’t do any writing, but you know what, that is OK.  I don’t think I spent more then 15 minutes at my computer all weekend.  Not to say I embraced a luddite way of life, I had my trusty iPhone, even made a couple Joshua related blog post straight from the Jesus phone.   I did not think about work until I hit the gym this morning – work related reading material in hand.  While the pregnant 4pm Friday before a holiday weekend phone call did indeed come, I had left at 2 and no one bothered my cell.  What I did do this weekend was spent quality time with my wife and son.  We read, gardened, shopped, hung photos on previously barren walls, played with Joshua, rode the CJ Park train and went for walks.  Actually Melissa walked and pushed the jogging stroller and I strapped on the roller blades and entertained Joshua with my wheeling around.  It was a wonderful weekend filled with family, love and joy.  It was a beautiful reminder of why I get up every morning; battle the demons (traffic, work and personal) happily and without reservation. 

Originally published at Corey J Feldman. Please leave any comments there.

Looks like we can skip the housekeeper this week.

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Joshua.jpg

Originally uploaded by coreyjf

Joshua doing his chores…

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Joshua is going through a mommy only stage.  If Melissa is home, he wants nothing to do with me.  We are fine if it is just the two of us, but if he knows Melissa is anywhere around, he will have a fit until she picks him up.  I know I am not around as much I would like.  But it is not like he doesn’t know who I am, he sees me every morning. I try to give him his bottle.  And at least once or twice a week I get home in time to see him before bed.  While I may not be so good at the work life balance during the week, I am home most weekends.  My two working theories are 1) he remembers that I am the one who held him down when he got his shots. 2) He associates me with Melissa leaving e.g. she will need some down time on the weekend, or is teaching toga class at night, and he he knows he is getting the B team.  Of course there is also the third possibility that it is just a phase and he will be back to Daddy Daddy Daddy in no time,  well Dada was his first word.   

Originally published at Corey J Feldman. Please leave any comments there.

Real Life

Saturday was gardening day.   Took a trip to Lowe’s and the Potomac Gardening Center and came away with lots of plants, flowers, herbs and vegetables.  I never thought I would get into gardening but I found it relaxing, rejuvenating and was filled with a sense of accomplishment.  I think I did a pretty good job and I am really looking forward to the veggies and herbs coming up.  I have a few pictures on Flicker if you want to check out the fruits of my labor.   Saturday evening, I helped my brother load up a U-haul to help with their impending move.  Between the gardening and the packing I was expecting to be pretty sore but I am actually feeling OK. 

Sunday morning Melissa taught a Yoga class so I babysat* Joshua.  Anyways, we drove to downtown Bethesda, walked around and grabbed some breakfast.   We ate in the courtyard in front of Barnes & Nobles and it was good bonding time.  Joshua went wild for all of the dogs on show.  He really loves animals. 

Joshua is now officially a toddler, I wish we caught it on video…  He has been cruising and walking with push toys since he was 7 months but refused to take a step without a toy, hand or piece of furniture for assistance.  That is until yesterday.   Well a couple weeks ago he started to take a few “unassisted” steps. Basically he had to already be walking with a decent amount of forward momentum, and we would have to pull our hand away.  We would take a few steps and sit down or dive into the couch.  Yesterday was different; I actually got him to take about 19 steps from a standing position.  It was pretty amazing to actually get to be there for such a huge first.    

Fiction

I got some writing done this weekend and even had a little break through on one of my projects.**  My protagonist has a mentor whose motivation for helping I have never quite been able to pin down.  Basically I had him call her on it.  Hey – why are you helping me…  I am not planning on keeping any of it, or at least not most of it.  It was more an exercise in understanding.  Biggest thing I realized, she is lying and my protag is too damn trusting – going to have to toughen him up. 

*Although I don’t think babysitting is the appropriate term when it’s your kid. 

**Maybe I would get one done if I actually worked on them one at a time.

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Kidville is coming to Rockville.  My sister in-law and fellow blogger just posted some exciting news on the ways to entertain, education, exercise and socialize your child front.  I briefly looked through some of the classes, they do look fun.  To bad they don’t seem to offer any weekend programs; I would love to do something like this with Joshua. 

Originally published at Corey J Feldman. Please leave any comments there.

I am grappling with a difficult decision.  One of Melissa’s friends is getting married in Colorado this summer.   We have debated back and fourth on the subject of taking Joshua.  I actually really want to take him, but Melissa believes it would be better for Joshua to stay with his grand-parents.  We know people travel with small children all of the time, but there is no denying that it will be challenging.  There are some events that weekend that are baby friendly but others that are not.  Further complicating matters is the fact that Joshua has never been babysat by anyone other then her mom or my parents.* She is concerned, and with good reason, that the unfamiliar environment and babysitters will be unnecessarily stressful for him.  The problem I am having is that I don’t see my son much during the week.  I typically have a few minutes with him in the morning, but he is usually asleep by the time I get home from work.  If we leave him for the weekend, I basically won’t see him for two weeks.  Melissa wants me to go with her, but understands my concerns.   Melissa has suggested taking an additional day or two off work that week and that is a possibility**, but part of my indecision is that I would actually really enjoy the opportunity to parent for a weekend without a safety net.  Well, technically I would still have my parents about a mile away, but I am pretty sure I can parent-up all by myself.

*Melissa has a flexible part-time work schedule and we have been fortunate that our parents have been very accommodating. 

** I do need to get better at taking more time off from work.