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I did not have a good night sleep. Lots of tossing, turning and coughing(stupid chest cold). I finally gave up at 5:30. I flicked through email and facebook on my iPhone but decided if I was up I’d might as well get in a workout. With the chest cold I wasn’t up for a run but figured I would do some strength training in the basement. As I mentioned, I had my iPhone which apparently in an otherwise dark room reflects nicely off the bedroom door, providing the illusion that it is open. Yes, I walked into the door, which was actually partially open, slamming it closed and knocking me on my backside. The slamming door woke up Melissa and Joshua. I tried to convince Joshua that it wasn’t morning yet. He was not convinced and was loud enough in his disagreement to wake up Elijah. Both kids are up and clearly still tired. Of course I have to go to work, so I won’t be the one dealing with the results of my klutziness. Sorry Honey!

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Elijah’s first shopping cart ride.

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I finally did it, I joined Netflix.  We had been using Blockbuster’s netflix copycat service but dropped it a couple years ago after we did the math. We figured it was coming out to about $20 per rental; we just weren’t watching enough to justify it. We signed up for the service BK (before kids) and choose it over Netflix because of the in store option.  If there was a movie we wanted to see, we didn’t have to wait for delivery, just bring one of the old DVDs back to a local blockbuster and take home what we wanted.  Eventually we realized considering how few movies we watch it was cheaper to just rent from Apple/ITunes or Comcast On Demand and there was no need to leave the house to watch what we wanted, when we wanted.

Not that anything in our lives has changed.  With 2 little ones we don’t have much in the way of popcorn time, and when we do there is enough TV the wife and I actually have in common that we are far more likely to fire up the DVR.  There are no time limits on the DVR like there is with Comcast and Apple rentals.  We often don’t have the time for a 1.5/2 hour  movie but might be able to squeeze in an hour of Grey’s or Glee or even a 1/2 of HIMYM.

So why join Netflix? Impulse I suppose but he selling point was the unlimited streaming.  You can stream as much as you want for no additional cost. You don’t like what you are watching stop it and stream something else.  No extra cost and this is above and beyond the DVD rental.  The video quality was only OK, but I am not sure if that was an impact by yesterday’s integration of Netflix into Microsoft’s Media Center; i’m sure Netflix’s bandwith was being put to the test last night.

I choose the $9 dollar a month – 1 DVD and unlimited streaming plan. I basically need to watch 2 movies a month to justify the cost. I think that is pretty doable.

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Friday at sunset begins Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish New Year and the first of the High Holidays. As a child it was one of my favorite* Jewish Holidays. It was an extra day off school, we got apples & honey, they would blow the Shofar** at Synagogue, and there was my Mom’s brisket*** – may we do it some justice.

Traditionally Rosh Hashanah is the day of judgment. This is the day that our sins are measured and God decides if we should live another year. I suppose in that way, God is like the US Government, contracts run in one year increments. In theory, if you are righteous, you are given an automatic pass. If your wicked your fate is sealed. For the other 99.99999%**** you have 10 days until Yum Kippur, the Day of Atonement, to get your act together and repent. I personally don’t believe God works that way. For one thing I doubt there is such a thing as the truly righteous or truly wicked and for another I have never found Death to be particularly discriminating; horrible people live and good people die.

Judaism has a different concept of hell than Christianity. There is no eternal damnation, the closest concept is Gehenna, but even that comes with an annual review and opportunity for release. One of the things I find beautiful about religion is that is can work on so many levels. Let’s face it, many people do need a punishment/reward system. It is not a bad thing, it is just where they are at in their own development. This is one of the ways the Jewish religion motivates righteous behavior. While not eternal damnation, if you truly believe you are going to die in the next year if you don’t change your ways, that can be a pretty powerful motivator. But as I said, I don’t believe that is how life really works. In fact on a basic level, righteousness committed in the name of self preservation is inherently selfish. But that is actually OK because it is more than just controlling the masses; “walking the walk” and “talking the talk” helps people internalize change. It helps them to grow and become the kind of people who do good not because of a religious mandate, but because it is an essential part of who they have become.

Shana Tova

* not counting Chanukah

** Ram’s Horn

*** My mom was not known for her cooking but man could she make a brisket.

**** Just made that % up

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I am not ready for this. Melissa, she is ready. Josh, he is ready. I am sure even Elijah is ready for the more one on one time he will get with Mommy once Josh starts preschool (though Eli obviously has no idea). I am not ready, not even close. I know I fall slightly on the overprotective side of the parenting fence, but that is really only part of the issue. Sure I have thought about randomly swinging by the school to make sure the doors are locked. And I hate that we live in a world were a synagogue/preschool feels the need to line the border of the property with “decorative” boulders. But much of my trepidation isn’t really about security. It is a good school, we checked it out thoroughly and have many neighbors/friends with kids there. What I think really bothers me most is just how fast time is moving.

I decided to not work through lunch today. I took some time to read some blogs and write this post. One of the blogs I read belongs to my friend Jodi. Her current (at least at the time of this draft – she is a far more prolific writer then I) blog post has a picture of her little boy when he was an infant. Her next post down shows him just the other day. The difference was startlingly. I haven’t asked her, but I would be shocked if she said that time has done anything but flown by. After I read her post, I browsed though some of my favorite pictures of the kids on my iPhone. I can’t believe how much Josh has changed over the course of his 2 1/2 years and Elijah over his 7 months. Every day I come home from work to find one or both of them have learned some new thing or have done something for the very first time.

I enjoy my job; I work for a good company and the reality is I can’t be there the way I would like. But I do feel like a missing so much. It makes these milestones bittersweet, but I supposed that is the taste of life.

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I have the privilege of knowing some incredible people, people who had the misfortune of being victims of child abuse. They took their very personal horrors and used it to fashion unimaginable internal strength. They have become incredible parents, teachers, counselors and productive members of society. I am inspired and awed that such good came out of such pain.

Here is where I am going to over share. Well, I don’t think of it as over sharing, some might, but I don’t and it is my life so WTF. I have nothing to be embarrassed about and I think it will do me some good to get this out there. As a child I was exposed to an abusive extended family member. I am not going to name names, but anyone who knows my family can probably take an educated guess. If anyone wants to know who, I will be happy to share offline. For the record, the type of abuse I was exposed to was mostly emotional. I also don’t want to suggest that a handful of incidents can in anyway compare the horrors faced by those exposed to chronic and pervasive abuse. But I have recently come to realize what a lifelong impact that even these comparatively minor incidents have had on my life.

Today I am going to share one such incident. When I was a child I was at my grandparents who lived in a high rise in North Bethesda. Interestingly enough the same high rise I bought my first condo in. This “relative”, not my Grandfather (not that he was model parental figure either) thought it would be funny to hang me from the 10th story balcony. He swung me back and forth, and then he actually threw me up in the air, fortunately catching me.

It was shortly after this I started climbing things – trees, poles, houses, etc. I realize now I was attempting to get back control he took from me. I would decide how high I climbed and the higher the better. I was never going to allow myself to be afraid like that again. By the time I was 10 years old, I was doing cartwheels and handstands on railings and rooftop edges. I have no doubt that much if not all of my often reckless thrill-seeking behaviors stemmed from this one event.

For a long time I held on to more anger from the incident that I care to admit. I do however wonder, who would I be today had that not occurred. I am likely a better parent then I might otherwise have been, but I am sure I could/would have developed those same protective skills – your a parent, your job is to keep your children safe.

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Let me begin by thanking everyone for the many wishes of congratulations, condolences and offers of help. As most of you are aware Melissa and I have a wonderful new addition to our family. Elijah Benjamin Feldman, AKA Eli, AKA The Grasshopper, was born on February 5, 2009. He was 6 lbs 7 oz, happy and healthy. Unfortunately our wonderful news was tempered by the loss of my Mother. My parents had been on a long planned vacation to Puerto Rico. They were scheduled to return prior to Melissa and Eli being released from the hospital. The night Eli was born my mother was playing blackjack and according to our cousins who were vacationing with my parents, repeatedly looking at the the photo of Eli I had emailed them. She was having the time of her life when she had a massive aneurysm at the tables and was officially pronounced brain dead and removed from life support about 36 hours later. My mother was a huge part of our lives and I do not have the words to describe the combination of one of my highest highs with my lowest low. I am still trying to figure out how to embrace the joys of having a newborn and grieve for my mother but if there is one lesson she taught me it is you put your children first. So for now that is all I can do.

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I would like to say happy mothers day to my beautiful wife Melissa and tell the world how lucky Joshua and I are to have her.

I would also like to wish a happy mothers day to all the wonderful mothers in my life. 

My good friend Deanna Hoak, shares her views on motherhood.  Deanna is a talented copyeditor and mother, please check out her post and site.

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I recently found out that my sister in-law is a blogger.  Jenny Feldman is a former elementary school teacher, Mother of my beautiful niece, wife of my brother and is co-owner of a stationery company Penny-bear Printing.  She blogs about her life and the parenting challenges she faces as a paraplegic.  Jenny’s sprit, determination and independence make it easy to forget the added obstacles in her path.   Check out her blog at http://thepinktotebag.blogspot.com/.  There are some cute pictures of Caroline and Joshua. 

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OK – So I am going to Colorado.  Melissa really wants me to go with her and it will be nice to get away.  I am going to take a couple extra days off work so I will still have time with Joshua.  I figure if I can’t clear my schedule for a few days with over 2 months notice, I got bigger issues. 

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I am grappling with a difficult decision.  One of Melissa’s friends is getting married in Colorado this summer.   We have debated back and fourth on the subject of taking Joshua.  I actually really want to take him, but Melissa believes it would be better for Joshua to stay with his grand-parents.  We know people travel with small children all of the time, but there is no denying that it will be challenging.  There are some events that weekend that are baby friendly but others that are not.  Further complicating matters is the fact that Joshua has never been babysat by anyone other then her mom or my parents.* She is concerned, and with good reason, that the unfamiliar environment and babysitters will be unnecessarily stressful for him.  The problem I am having is that I don’t see my son much during the week.  I typically have a few minutes with him in the morning, but he is usually asleep by the time I get home from work.  If we leave him for the weekend, I basically won’t see him for two weeks.  Melissa wants me to go with her, but understands my concerns.   Melissa has suggested taking an additional day or two off work that week and that is a possibility**, but part of my indecision is that I would actually really enjoy the opportunity to parent for a weekend without a safety net.  Well, technically I would still have my parents about a mile away, but I am pretty sure I can parent-up all by myself.

*Melissa has a flexible part-time work schedule and we have been fortunate that our parents have been very accommodating. 

** I do need to get better at taking more time off from work.

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Happy Birthday Joshua!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!